Wednesday, 25 April 2018

I'm 24 and I Still Don't Love Myself

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Ever since my depression started, I've been hunting high and low for self-love that makes me feel content with myself and everything that I am, and everything that I stand for. I've documented much of my mental health online in recent years, especially here on this blog where I've discussed my battle with loving my body; the temptation to sometimes return to self-harm; and even the fact that I am overly aware of my flaws, but I am trying very hard to love myself anyway. Although I try, I don't love myself everyday. Sometimes I don't even like myself. Sometimes I wake up and my muffin top will be annoying me because it's making my clothes sit weird, or I'll catch myself thinking something mean for no real reason. Other days, I'll be basking in the fact that I gave all my love to a friend or I'll be looking in the mirror in my bra and pants and thinking I'm such a cutie. My relationship with myself fluctuates on a daily basis, and I suppose that's rather the norm. Nothing ever really stays the same in life - we grow and change and we waver, and that's just how it is.

In recent months I've found myself slipping a little bit. I've noticed that a little too frequently I am being too hard on myself, and I am inwardly tearing down my own self-esteem. Although my relationship has ended and that may be a cause for concern for some, it's not really the root of the problem in my opinion - after all, my self-hate and difficulties in accepting myself were there long before any boyfriend of mine.

A few weeks back, I turned 24, and whilst that isn't 'old' by any stretch of the imagination, I thought that I'd be in a much better place by now, mentally and emotionally. In all honesty, I expected to be engaged at 25 and researching the first-time buyer schemes for houses. I expected to be content with myself, and at peace with my body. But I should know by now that life has that funny way of being completely unexpected, and in the last few months I find myself trying to figure out where my life is going - not in terms of a career, but in my personal life, in growth, development and the war that I constantly have inside of me. I thought I'd figured out why my relationship ended; I thought I'd figured out why my creative motivation had left me, but actually, I know the answers to neither of these questions.

I don't always have the energy to force love upon myself, and sometimes I find that I'm beginning fights with me for no real reason. I'm not sure where my dissatisfaction comes from, but I feel like no matter what I do, it's never really enough - whether that's in relationships; creative endeavours; expressing myself. I'm always left feeling like I have plenty to give but never enough ways to output it. I have so much love to give, but that love is never directed at myself - and I wish that at least some of it was.

Logically, I know that my body is pretty normal and there's nothing wrong with it; I know that my flaws are there because nobody is perfect - so how come grasping this in reality seems so hard? I know that self-love is a journey, and I shouldn't expect it to happen overnight. But there's a part of me that feels like although I am striving to take little steps forward, I end up leaps and bounds backwards at any negative or abusive thought towards myself, and I regress to square one. Sometimes I think self-love is just out of reach, and others it feels a million miles away.

Although I know self-love is a journey, I sometimes wonder if I'm looking at it the wrong way. It's not feeling perfect all the time or looking perfect all the time. It's not a fixed place or a final destination. In reality I need to put in the work everyday - I need to push myself and my boundaries. I need to stop being so hard on myself. I need to take care of myself. I need to do what's right for me.

I'm always learning and growing, and I'll continue to persevere until I finally wrap my head around the true meaning of self-love. Until then, I'll be stuck on this roller coaster, trying my best. 

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Soap & Glory One Heck of a Blot and The Fab Pore 3-in-1 Serum • 17 Stay Time Foundation • Collection Lasting Perfection Concealer • Freedom Pro Brow Pomade • Rimmel Brow This Way Gel • Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer Potion • Primark Urban Eyeshadow Palette 'Labyrinth' (crease) • Kiko Long Lasting Eyeshadow Stick '44' (base for lid and lower lashline, and in waterline) • Sugarpill 'Velocity' Pressed Eyeshadow (lid, on top of base) • W7 Prismatic 3D Palette (inner corners) • Essence Lash Princess Volume Mascara • Collection Primed & Ready Invisible Setting Powder • Collection Highlight & Sculpt Contour Kit • Topshop Bronzer 'Mohawk' • Topshop Highlighter 'Crescent Moon' • Sugarpill Liquid Poison Lipstick 'Shiver'
Earrings: Lovisa
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    




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