Wednesday, 27 December 2017

I'm Just in a Rut

Hey blogging pals, it's been a while, hasn't it?

The latter part of 2017 was a bit rough and, to be honest, it isn't much better right now as I sit typing this. I've been overwhelmed by emotions and events recently that I've found it hard to locate the energy and motivation I once had to manage all my social media platforms. I haven't felt like using my words or taking photographs or talking to the camera. In all honesty, I've felt tired. Utterly exhausted despite the fact that there was no overtime across the Christmas period and therefore I've continued on with just my 3 days of work per week. I don't have an excuse to be this tired, but I've been permanently drained mentally and emotionally for months, and work leaves me physically knackered too. If you follow me on Twitter you may have seen me whinge incessantly for the last few months and I do apologise - but my outlets have been limited.

So, where have I been? There's been quite a few changes in the last quarter of 2017, and although they aren't all bad, even the good things have come with several nasty strings attached. On the whole, life is much the same - any real change won't take place for a further few months. The biggest change isn't something I wish to discuss just yet. To be honest, I don't know how to talk about it. It's a simple thing that I think will end up having a more positive outcome on my life and several others', but I don't feel like bringing it up out the blue just yet. But eventually I will get there. I'm not sure what puts me off talking about it, I suppose although it is much less severe than anything else I've experienced (and will eventually lead to a positive outcome), I hate the idea of randomly just opening my mouth about it.

It's been a weird past few months in terms of my personal relationships. I've come to realise that I'm still not at an age where I am a good judge of character, and I've found myself recently fluctuating in certain relationships between liking and disliking people. I always feel grateful for the few friends that I have - there's no drama, no beef, and if we go six months without talking, we'll always pick it right back up like no time has passed -, and I'm still grateful for those handful of close friendships I've maintained. It's newer friends I've been struggling with. Some of them are fantastic, but some of them I find myself unable to trust and, quite frankly, wishing to avoid sometimes. I've spent many nights over the last few months reaccquainting myself with alcohol but in a healthy, fun-filled, sociable environment - I went on my first work night out with my favourite colleagues; I've spent many drunken nights at the pub with one of my best friends, and I've been rekindling my relationship with my mother's best friend, who is more like family than most of the blood-relations I have today.

Then there's Jack, who is still as much my favourite human as ever. We haven't seen each other as much as I'd like the last few months, but I feel I've come to expect and accept this as it gets closer to Christmas and our schedules get that little bit busier. I've had some real thoughts about us as a couple - none of them bad -, but I feel like, as someone still quite new to dating, it's odd to see the realities vs the expectations. Although I still constantly miss him when he's not there, I'm grateful for the space to breathe and be by myself and do the things I want to do. As someone who used to adore rom-coms in their teens; read only YA novels that centred around boy-girl blossoming romances; and who has had very little genuine experience of real romance and things that aren't flings, I've no real, truthful idea of love and relationships. At least, I didn't really until the last few years, and now, more than ever, am I getting to grips with them. I read an article lately about what makes a marriage survive, and it was essentially that the writer polled a 1.5k people and came to some conclusions. One of the parts that drew me in the most was that love changes. It was a quote along the lines of love 'mellowing, contracting, expanding and deepening' that I thought was so accurate. Although I have never wished he wasn't there, I've gotten used to having Jack in my life and sometimes it feels like we take each other for granted, whether it's me making a shitty comment in a fight, or him not making enough time for me. But then there are the times where we're talking or we're hanging out, cuddled up, watching TV, or I see him whilst he's at work and he comes over to sit down with me, and it feels like I'm falling in love all over again. It's really bizarre and something I feel like I'm beginning to really grasp. It's not like I've ever had doubts about whether I love him, and it's not like I've thought that this relationship wasn't for me, but it's nice to know that being relieved because I'm getting my bed all to myself and being glad that I can make whatever plans I want for this week because I know he's busy isn't, like, something that's wrong. It seems silly but I'm glad I don't need to be obsessed with him 24/7 and that I don't have to put him ahead of everything else in my life all the time - these are things that I once thought were hugely important, but I'm now seeing that it's actually important, too, to make time for me and my own life, and the other people in it.

One of the most notable things to have happened in the last few months of 2017 was that my brother and his fiancee decided to get married next month - January 27th, to be precise. I'm not exactly thrilled about a winter wedding because I'll be wearing a sleeveless skater dress in the freezing cold, but I'm hoping that, despite all that's going on, it will be a nice occasion - and a fun one. It's going to be a small ceremony in a registry office (they totes nicked that idea off of me, haha), and a meal and drinks afterwards. The venue is only booked until 7:30pm so if I'm lucky there will be plans for more celebratory drinking afterwards with Jack, my mum, and other loved ones. In all honesty, the timing of the wedding is pretty poor in my opinion, as there is a lot going on right now, but I just hope it at least goes smoothly and drama-free. Oh, and I'm the best man. So I've had a total of like 2.5 months to write a speech, which has not been a walk in the park by any stretch of the imagination, and I'm not even sure if it's any good - I mean, I think it is, but I'm not quite as confident when it comes to writing about other people in comparison to how I am about writing about my own relationship.

I also applied for the weekend supervisor position at work - the Sun-Thurs lot have had a supervisor for a while now, and it's finally time for the weekend team to get our own. As I write this, we haven't heard anything back which is mega annoying, as they did say they'd email us last week to let us know. I'm up against two good friends and colleagues so I'm comfortable even if I don't get the job. The only thing that sucks right now is I'm not 100% on what my earnings would be in the position, as the job is only for Fri-Sat and I've been given different answers about whether I can keep my Thursday - point being I may end up making less than what I'm making now, which unfortunately, given the circumstances in life right now, I don't think I could do (as much as I'd love to drop Thursdays).

So, what else is new? Nothing really. I'm planning a new tattoo and my blog is going to be getting a make-over in January - I couldn't be more excited about that! I've been planning content left, right and centre, but it's getting the motivation to do the photographs that I'm struggling with. I may not have time this week until Thursday to get any photos done, but I'll be trying my hardest to bulk take then. You may (or may not) have noticed I've retaken the majority of my photos for older blog posts (there's still a few left to do), updating them to fit more with my current style of photography. I'm really chuffed as it makes me feel a lot better about ye old blog, and I actually tweaked a few posts here and there to update them. Oh, and yeah, I did delete a few old posts - hopefully you don't miss any of them too much. Lol. Lastly, I added more tags! So hopefully it's easier for you to find the content you want. I don't like to cross tags too much, so I did split the categories quite a lot.

When will you see me again? You'll see me in 2018, with a new blog layout, a new post, a shiny new logo/header, and just a general refresh. I'll be talking about my goals and plans for my space on the internet then, too. So stay tuned, and I'll see you all in the new year.


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