Wednesday, 28 March 2018

The Aftermath of My Break-Up

mermaid make-up look, h&m water sprite eyeshadow, jeffree star restraint liquid lipstick


Although now finished, my relationship with Jack was a huge part of my life for two and a half years. I'd thought I'd loved before but my feelings for Jack were far more intense and I'd never ever before seen myself having a future with somebody. In all honesty, the last few months of our relationship were awful, but I just didn't have it in me to pull the plug - I remember watching one of The Game Theorists' videos lately where MatPat spoke about remaining in a relationship longer than you should because you've already put so much time and energy into it, and I believe it's called the 'sunk cost fallacy' - that's kinda how I'd put the last few months of our relationship. For the record, I'm actually doing OK. The first few weeks were horrific, but I'm doing better now than I ever thought I would.

Today's post isn't to bash or burn either of us. It didn't work and there are actually quite a lot of reasons, from my view point, that it didn't. But we finished fairly amicably and even if we didn't I wouldn't want to go into deets over the internet. As much as I love shouting my personal life into the void that is the internet, there is a surprisingly large amount of stuff that I keep to myself. 

Being my first long-term, stable relationship, I found my time with Jack to be a real learning curve. I'd come from what was primarily flings and the odd short-term partner to being right, stuck in the middle of a fully-fledged relationship where we talked about house deposits, marriage and said 'I love you' every night. It was a shock to the system and I think there was a lot I wasn't prepared for, but in all honesty, I think I was set up to think other things because of all the expectations around me. Not just from a societal stand point, but also from peers and, of course, the internet. 

How people run their relationships is totally down to the individuals involved, but I felt there was a lot of things that I'd maybe do different in my next time round - as soon or as far as that may be in the future. Today I'd like to talk about some of the changes I'd aim to make whenever I next enter a relationship.

I CAN STILL HAVE MY OWN LIFE

For the longest time I was completely enchanted by Jack, well past our 'honeymoon' phase. I was head over heels and nothing could stop that. And that's fine, that's totally OK. What's not OK - although my friends were extremely lovely and understanding about it - is that I would often hold off to find out when Jack was free before committing to anything else. I'd put off seeing friends I hadn't seen in months because Jack and I had planned a date night. Although our lives were completely separate outside of each other, he was always my first priority. 

In my next relationship I'd really like to maintain more of my own independence. The fact that I'm learning to drive is a big thing for me as it's going to give me a lot more freedom and it will allow me to do plenty of things by myself and for friends and family. I still maintained my hobbies throughout my relationship, and those are things that I wouldn't give up for anyone. But if I could learn to be by myself better, so that I could focus on more on the things I enjoy when I'm alone rather than pining for my partner, that would be awesome. It's weird because I'm someone who loves being alone and spends loads of time alone, but having a boyfriend was different. I just became so consumed with feelings and if I'm honest, whilst I love that to an extent, I am hoping that in the future I can manage my time and feelings better, and continue to be fiercely independent outside of my relationship.

DON'T COMPARE TO WHAT'S ONLINE

This wasn't ever really a big thing for me, but let's face it, online comparison is a horrendous thing to deal with in day-to-day life, with Instagram being the biggest social medias that can take me from feeling boss to not in 0.5 seconds. I'm a big fan of the app, but professionally shot cute couple photos that were taken at that exact moment really started to nibble away at me after long-term exposure. I remember every time Christmas came around, boyfriends were buying their girlfriends hundreds of pounds worth of make-up and gadgets, and that really wasn't feasible when you have a boyfriend whose money primarily comes in to go right back out again on bills. 

As glamorous as people's lives look online, it's so hard to remember that it's only a fraction of their lives that they're showing. I should know this better than anyone because I too only post nice photos on Instagram, but nonetheless I get swept up in all the picture-perfect lives that are online and I need to remember that my relationship and my life may not be someone else's but its mine, and I am, for the most part, happy with it.

LOVE CHANGES AND SHIFTS

Something I discussed towards the end of last year in this post is the idea that love changes and shifts - something that I found difficult to grasp at first. As I mentioned above, I became very all-consumed in my relationship with J, and I think whilst this is great to an extent, it also started to kinda take over my life. So when, last year, I didn't see him as much because I wanted my own time, I realised I didn't need to feel bad about it. I didn't love him any less, I just wanted my own space, I wanted the bed to myself, I wanted to focus on blogging for a day etc. I needed the time by myself and time alone always does me good. Learning that, to quote the article I read, mentioned in the aforementioned post, love 'mellows, contracts, expands and deepens' did me a world of good. Knowing it was OK to want your own space, do your own thing and not be obsessed with your SO for five minutes was such a relief to me. At the beginning of our relationship I was under the impression you had to be together 24/7 to prove your commitment and love, and as a bit of a lone wolf that has never really been ideal to me.

TRUST YOUR GUT

Eventually, and sadly, the relationship wasn't sitting right with me. This went on for a couple of months, and as I mentioned at the start of this post, I should have ended it when I knew this, but I didn't know if it was the way I was feeling or some weird temporary blip and, to be honest, I just wasn't sure what I wanted. Although something was off and I knew it in my gut, I put off our end for so long. The pain of losing him and the time and energy and love I'd given in the relationship by far outweighed the awkwardness and lesser pain of staying together whilst feeling entirely uncertain. I wish I'd taken the plunge sooner, but in all honesty, it feels like we broke up in October, rather than January, due to our differences, lack of communication and various other factors which I won't get into. If I'm honest - I think that's why I'm doing OK. It already now feels six months have gone by, rather than two. (!!!)



                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     
Soap & Glory One Heck of a Blot and The Fab Pore 3-in-1 Serum • 17 Stay Time Foundation • Collection Lasting Perfection Concealer • Freedom Pro Brow Pomade • Rimmel Brow This Way Gel • Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer Potion • Primark Urban Eyeshadow Palette 'Labyrinth' (crease) • H&M 'Water Sprite' Eyeshadow (lid, lower lashline) • W7 Prismatic 3D Palette (inner corners) • Topshop Kohl Pencil • Essence Lash Princess Volume Mascara • MUA Pro-Base Matte Satin Pressed Powder • Collection Highlight & Sculpt Contour Kit • Primark PS Lunar Glow Highlight Palette 'Chroma' • Jeffree Star Velour Liquid Lipstick 'Restraint'
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    


To sum up, the breakup sucked. But I'm still here, I'm doing pretty well all things considered, and I learned some heavy lessons that I needed to learn. On top of noting all these basic things that I want to keep in mind for next time, I also realised the kinds of things I want from my future relationship, and I'm hoping this will serve me better for when that time comes.

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