Saturday, 21 October 2017

The Thing About Jack

I've used my blog to document a lot of important things this year - especially when it comes to feelings. Last year I was hesitant, releasing personal posts only here and there. This year I've tackled my fear of never overcoming the need to self-harm and be self-destructive; the fact that a doctor has never diagnosed my depression; and, of course, the bumps and hiccups in my relationship with Jack. While there is loads that I'd never say online to the strangers of the internet about he and I - individually and as a couple -, I do like to document the wins, the lessons, and some of the hardships. 

I've been thinking a lot about our relationship lately. Not so much by choice, but because of my mindset. I've been living in a very dark, heavy place lately where I feel insecure about, for example, disagreements, and I find myself over-analysing things I wouldn't think twice about when I'm feeling more myself. I wouldn't pin any of this on Jack because he isn't acting any different than normal - but I am overcome with anxiety on every aspect of my life right now - our relationship included.

And while I think about silly little things, I also think about the bigger picture. The dream of being house-owners; of living together; of having our own fur kids. The idea of coming home to him after a long night at work; of hanging out watching NCIS at night on the couch; of playing video games together on our days off. Small things that give me a lot of hope and happiness and something to look forward to. Recently, Jack and I were talking about alcohol and I mentioned my old reliance on it as a bit of an emotional crutch - I drank to forget; to feel lighter; to feel better. I drank because I didn't care about me. After some back and forth, in a surprising twist I didn't expect, Jack told me he was proud of me for resisting all the self-destructive shit I used to do. It was one of those things where I figured he was probably proud of me, just like my mum would be, but he hadn't said it - it says a lot that these days I am the emotional one in the relationship haha! It was a simple statement and nothing elaborate, but hearing him say it just hit home all the things I'd been thinking lately.

A few months back I wrote in my black poetry book. A book mostly filed with pain, anguish, broken hearts and fragmented souls. I realised I had not written enough about the man who somehow, despite my doubts and cynicism, managed to bring me back from the edge. So I thought I'd share that here. An open letter, if you will, to Jack. 

(Be warned, it's very mushy and sickly, ha!)

*  *  * 

I thought I was done here, in this black book of what is mostly pain. but I have not written enough about the man who does his best to make it all stop. My joy, my heart, my one and only. It turns out that, although the fairy tales aren't exactly true, they were based on real life. Joy exists. Love exists. Just be patient. This isn't a poem, but a hidden letter to the man who makes me cry tears of pure happiness, of love, and even, sometimes, of frustration (cos you're still the biggest pain in my ass). Sometimes I can't take all the emotion I feel. After years of burying it, pushing it way, deep down and never even letting it see the light of day by refusing to acknowledge it, I am suddenly overwhelmed with how much I feel, and how intensely those feelings burn. Thoughts of wedding bells and a life shared together; of spilling out any and all secrets and past mistakes and things I could do better; the idea that you are what and who I want to wake up to every day, and sleep next to every night; and the fact that it is you whose soul I wish to bare everything to and share every part of me with... these are things that overwhelm me and bring me anxiety and worries on my dark days, but also love and happiness and warmth and excitement. These are things that can sometimes bring me to tears - in a very, emotionally overwhelming way.

We are not perfect. We are flawed individually, and flawed as a pair sometimes. But despite the worries that my troubled times bring, I will not bend or retreat - I have, most days, overcome my fears. And thanks to you, I have overcome a lot more - like my addictions. Your smile is enough to make my day, and there is nothing that could possibly compare to your laugh. It makes me feel truly lucky.

I love you.

This I knew long before I voiced it, when we stood in your kitchen and you asked me why I was staring at you. I remember later telling you, in not so few words, it was because I couldn't imagine a life without you anymore. And back then, that for me was odd and unfamiliar territory.

You are my biggest challenge, but with you I am home - your eyes are a comfort, keeping me sane; your arms the warmth and safety I constantly seek. You are the missing piece I spent five years searching for. You're the man who gave me a future I never knew I had when he brought me back from the edge. You are my world. For everything you've done for me, I thank you. I hope we get to celebrate these victories for a long, long time to come.


© Amanda Jayne. Design by FCD.